We mailed the final car payment on Friday. To celebrate the occasion I’ve collected all the writeups I’ve done in an attempt to document the whole car-owning experience. It’s a different kind of experience, ’cause it’s a Saturn.

From the Drain – I’m Scared of my Car Lots of things went wrong within the first couple years. Maybe writing them all down will make them seem less overwhelming. Maybe not.

02/05/2005 – What the Hell is that Noise? Hey, I started a blog! Now I can write about things that happen to me.
  

And of course, anyone who knows me knows how much faith and love I have in my car. So having the ability to call for help should we ever get stranded is a big plus. – from: Can You Hear Me Now? It’s About Time 

 
02/07/2005 – A Super Bowl and a Super Bill LESSON: The loudness of the noise from the ass-end of the car is directly proportional to the amount of money required to fix it.

07/03/2005 – I miiight be a Redneck DIY for the white-trash home mechanic
 

…the roof of the garage. It leaks over our car. It doesn’t leak anyplace else. Just over the Saturn. -from: Mental Block

 
11/17/2005 – Pre-Winter Car Freakout I hear those sleigh-bells ringing and that means I’m screwed.

Saturn of North Olmsted. They bent over backwards to get me a deal. Called in favors, they said. Got me the shittiest financing you could imagine. Once I drove the car off the lot – I was alone. I’ve replaced everything on the car – none of it covered under my fancy, must-have, extended warranty. Try to get an appointment with them and you’ll wait for a month. “Different Kind of Company” my ass. – from: The Drain – My Boycott List 

 
11/27/2005 – Holiday Weekend Wrapup Mechanics need Christmas money too.
 

18.) I’m scared of my car. -from: 100 Things About Me

 
11/29/2005 – Car Analysis Lie on this couch. Tell me about your auto.

To be fair – 2005 wasn’t an especially bad car year, it’s just that I started blogging in 2005.

Also, to be honest I haven’t had any real problems as of late. I’ve gotten into the habit of checking under the hood every weekend for leaks or squeaks or weird smells. My wife bought me the Chilton’s manual for my make and model car which helps me understand what things are and how they work. I’ve come to admit that the car is ten years old and I can’t expect it behave like new.

I’m just glad to own the damn thing.

Finally.

Tags: car, rant

First of all, before I even get into this entry let me say that, with a doubt, I am as sick of this subject as you are. Really. The possibility that this is a true psychosis, treatable by only a trained professional has entered my mind. The only thing keeping me from addressing this with a shrink is the fact that I feel like I can otherwise interact with the rest of my world in a normal fashion. (Well, that and the psychiatrist wouldn’t do this for free)

The combination of Winter approaching and the most recent oil change has once again brought the car into my center of focus like a giant zit on the end of my nose. No matter where else I look, I can’t see beyond it. I’ve decided that I am intelligent enough to perform a thorough analysis of this problem and attempt to diagnose what the hell my hang-up is.

Wanna ride along? Cool, hop on.

Argument #1: The car will leave me stranded on the road somewhere, far from civilization, where I will face certain death by starvation.

Counterargument #1: Yeah right. This one is easy. I don’t go anywhere far from civilization, I have a cell phone now, and in my current condition, starvation would take months.

DEFEATED.

Argument #2: The car will leave me stranded somewhere where I will have to call for help. Help may come in the form of a tow-truck and will take me to a service station. Both of these helpers will want to be paid.

Counterargument #2: This one has more validity. Not only would this be an unplanned expense but it will more than likely postpone or prevent me from getting where I was going to in the first place.

VALID

Argument #3: Every time I take the car for service, the service guys will tell me that there are far more things that require service. Would I like to spend extra money and address them now? No? Then I will be left with a paper detailing the things that are required and the phrase “Recommended Service Declined by Customer” across the top. It may as well read: “I Don’t Love My Car and These are the Reasons Why:”

Counterargument #3: In my experience, this one is also true. But on the other hand, these guys are there to make money. While it may be true that I’m leaking a little bit of oil that would be fixed by replacing the valve cover gasket, maybe I’m leaking so little oil (nothing on the garage floor) that it doesn’t really matter. I understand that replacing things before they go bad is called “preventative maintenance”, but taken too far it’s also called “I paid $7,000 for my car and $13,000 to keep it running”.

PUSH

Argument #4: Should I not address the “Recommended Service” items the car will eventually become an immobile paperweight in the garage and I’ll have no one to blame but myself as I sit at the busstop and cry.

Counterargument #4: I think this is the crux of my psychosis. I’m smart enough to understand that a machine will never heal itself if left alone long enough. The things that are bad or going bad are not going to get better by ignoring them. I hate gambling and to me this is a form of gambling. How long can I afford to not fix it? A month? Three months? Will the $200 job today cost $500 by the time I get around to admitting that it has to be fixed? I feel like I’m playing go fish while everyone else is playing poker.

VALID

Argument #5: I’m to expect these kinds of problems in a nine year old car

Counterargument #5: This is the response I get whenever I try to get any questions answered in one of those online forums (I won’t say which one… *cough* saturnfans…*cough*) Maybe I just can’t wrap my head around this concept but I bought the car with 38,000 miles on it. After owning it for 4 1/2 years it has just over 53,000 miles. Doing some quick math shows that I’ve driven 15,000 miles. 15,000, that’s all. The other day I counted my oil changes and came up with 11 (an average of every five months). HOLY SHIT! 11 oil changes in 15,000 miles!! That’s an oil change every 1300 miles!! And in that 15,000 miles I’ve replaced the battery, an oxygen sensor, all four tires, the entire rear suspension and the spark plugs. The air-conditioner worked for a total of two months. When it’s real hot out the car doesn’t want to start and whenever it’s cold out I can count on the “Service Engine Soon” light coming on. Do I expect the car to act like it’s new? I guess not. But I feel like I’m left to care for a dying dog after somebody else has spent years playing frisbee with him.

VALID

Argument #6: A new car would solve all my problems

Counterargument #6: I’M NOT DONE PAYING ON THIS CAR. HA HA, YEP, THAT’S RIGHT… ALL THESE PROBLEMS AND THE FRIGGIN’ CAR ISN’T EVEN MINE YET!! HO HO HO HA HA!

DEFEATED

Argument #7: I need to suck it up and learn about cars so I can diagnose my own car problems

Counterargument #7: I agree whole-heartedly. I know I could understand it. Now I just need to spend more money I don’t have on some car-specific tools (filter wrench, socket set with spark-plug socket, drain pan, torque-wrench) and a place to do the work (our landlord frowns upon doing car repairs in our garage). *sigh*

VALID

So there we have it. I honestly thought this would have ended better. Let’s recap:

1. Getting stuck on the road somewhere may not kill me, but it will probably cost enough to make me wish I were dead.
2. Automotive Service guys want to make money. If they can scare the money out of me, that is just fine with them.
3. Automotive Service guys cover their asses by giving you a list of things that could possibly go wrong in the future, so that you can’t blame them when the thing goes wrong and you complain that they touched your car last.
4. I have an old car. When I bought the car it was shiny and smelled new. Apparently all that is required to sell me a piece of shit is soap, water and an air-freshener.
5. I will have to tolerate the car for at least as long as it takes me to pay for it. Probably longer because I am unwilling to go through all of this again with another car.

Oh, well. What I had hoped would give me some insight to my dementia only led to yet another in a long line of car related posts I’ve written in an effort to make the world aware of the injustice I feel at owning a shitty car.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Tags: car, rant

First of all, let me apologize in advance if the following sounds a bit, well, severe. It’s had all morning to bake in my head until it was golden brown and ready to be served…

I woke up this morning and turned on the news as usual. What did I see?

IT’S SNOWING!! Yes, goddamn it, it’s snowing already. It’s not even Thanksgiving! You know what that means? It means winter is here. I hate winter. I hate the cold with a passion normally reserved for war criminals and Ravens fans. There I was standing out at the bus stop freezing my balls off and thinking about winter. And when I think about winter I don’t think about snowmen and Christmas carols and spiced apple-cider. I think about my car.

Oh shit.

You’ve probably read my previous diatribe: I’m Scared of My Car, right? If not, go ahead and check it out, I’ll wait.

Now this car thing is getting ri-goddamn-diculous. I’m a geek. That means that I “get” machines. Technology and I are good friends. I understand how systems work within other systems to drill holes or make coffee or microwave oatmeal. But I’ve never had less faith in a machine than I have in my car. Logic be damned, I think the car hates me.

From the buying experience through the most recent rear suspension replacement, I’ve held a quiet fantasy that perhaps one day I’ll buy a new car and these problems will go away. There’s bad juju in this car. Maybe it was used to run somebody down? Or it was owned by terrorists? I don’t know. But there’s bad karma (car-ma?) there.

Bad juju? Spirits? C’mon… It’s got to be something else. Maybe it’s the fact that every winter, just before the holidays, I have some kind of car repair I wasn’t planning on, (Tires, battery, muffler strap) sucking the Xmas money out of my wallet. Maybe it’s because the last time it was in for major service (rear suspension) the morons at Firestone told me that I also needed a “throttle-body cleaning”. What the hell are you talking about? The throttle body is fine. The throttle body is under the hood. I’m having problems with the ass end of the car. Nothing is wrong under the hood!!

It’s this kind of “let’s see how stupid the customer is” service that makes me dread any new sounds or smells or dashboard lights in my car. If something goes wrong can I afford not to fix it? I’d never in a thousand years go back to Saturn for service, and now I have to keep my eyes on the guys at Firestone.

I’ve often tried to think my way through this obsession and I’ve asked myself “What is the worst that can happen?” “What the hell am I so afraid of?” Do I think that a light will come on in the car and soon after the car will explode? No. Do I think that I’ll be stranded on the highway somewhere with my family and left there to die? Well… no. Do I think that I’ll take the car in for an estimate on the latest “mystery problem” and be told that it will require more money than I have? Forcing me to abandon the car in the service station parking lot and my family to take the bus for the rest of our lives? Maybe.

I guess it’s the money. There’s never enough money to fix things before they break (I should check the brakes). Just like you never get a really good sale on something when you really need it. I want a car-guy. I want a friend who “knows all about cars” and can tell me what I really need to do and leave out all the bullshit. I want somebody who’s looking out for my best interest.

As long as I’m wishing I may as well wish for spring.

It’s gonna be a long winter.

Tags: car, rant

Part One – What the hell is that noise?



Those of you who know me, know how much I love my car. (See: I’m Scared of My Car for a refresher). So a couple weeks ago I started noticing odd noises coming from the back of the car. Sort of a squeaking sound, not unlike the sound my computer chair makes when I lean too far backward in it. Even Carrie started hearing the noise about a week ago – so I know I’m not crazy, it’s getting worse. At first we thought that there was something rolling and banging around in the trunk. I checked and repacked the spare tire and jack. Still noisy. I moved all the crap we keep in the trunk around a little and tried to recreate the noise by shaking things. Nothing.

Well, today it was warmer outside so we drove around with the windows cracked open and – holy shit! you can really hear it with the windows down! The car itself drives fine but this noise can’t be normal.

In a fit of desperation, we drove to Firestone in North Olmsted. I was willing to pay someone to tell me what the hell was going on. The guy looks at us and says “I don’t have anybody to look at it today. How about Monday?” Monday!? “What about the other Firestone in Rocky River?”, I ask him. “Nope” he replies, “the manager there is a friend of mine. I just talked to him. They’re totally booked too.” “We can look at it Monday” he repeated. Damn. Now I’ve got two whole days to make this whole situation worse in my head. I know me… by Monday I’ll be terrified to get into the car. I’ll have myself convinced that the squeaking is a precursor to the entire rear axle cracking while I’m driving down Lorain Road. The cracked axle dragging on the pavement will shower the rear end of the car in sparks which of course will ignite the gas tank sending us all to our deaths in a spectacular ball of flames.

Monday, indeed.

On the other hand… what sound do dying shocks make? Since the car still handles fine and we only hear the noise after starting from a dead stop or when we hit a good sized bump… I’m thinking maybe it’s just the shocks (or springs – whatever) *sigh*

Part Two – What the hell is this rash?



OK. A few months ago I started noticing these little blisters on my fingertips. Little clusters of them just under the surface of the skin. About a week later they’d pop and crust over and dry out. My mom and sister and both nieces have excema – so I’m figuring I got it too. I asked a nurse at work what she thought and she got out a big medical book with lots of scary full-color pictures and we couldn’t match up my finger with any of the photos. She didn’t think it was excema, but admitted she didn’t know what it was.

It’s Gross. The tip of my finger is loaded with the little blisters that means it’s starting all over again. Maybe it’s time to make doctors appointment before my fingertip falls off.

Tags: car, rant