Technology is dominated by two types of people Those who understand what they do not manageand those who manage what they do not understand
Source Unknown
Now and then its good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy
Guillaume Apollinaire
Normal is not something to aspire to Its something to get away from
Jodie Foster
I never approve or disapprove of anything now It is an absurd attitude to take towards life We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices I never take any notice of what common people say and I never interfere with what charming people do
Oscar Wilde
Maybe this world is another planets hell
Aldous Huxley
I sometimes go to my own little world but thats okay they know me there
Joel Hodgson
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable There is another theory which states that this has already happened
Douglas Adams
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Steven Wright
Logic like whiskey loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities
Lord Dunsany
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like Im the only one moving
Steven Wright
I wanna live til I die no more no less
Eddie Izzard
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory
Paul Fix
The world is a beautiful place to be born into if you dont mind some people dying all the time or maybe only starving some of the time which isnt half so bad if it isnt you
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
Joe E Lewis
Its not true that I had nothing on I had the radio on
Marilyn Monroe
Insignificant events can take on monumental proportions when your head is full of practically nothing
Grace Slick
My mother said to me If you are a soldier you will become a general If you are a monk you will become the Pope Instead I was a painter and became Picasso
Pablo Picasso
They say the sun shines for all But in some people world it never shines at all They say love is a stream that will find its course Some people think life is a dreamSo they making matters worse
Bob Marley
Paradise is exactly like where you are right nowonly much much better
Laurie Anderson
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame I craved factual certainty and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life so I became a scientist This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls
M Cartmill
We are here on Earth to do good to others What the others are here for I dont know
W H Auden
Someday I want to be rich Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity Thats how rich I want to be
Rita Rudner
Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups parties nations and epochs it is the rule
Friedrich Nietzsche
Everything you can imagine is real
Pablo Picasso
When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land They said Let us pray We closed our eyes When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land
Bishop Desmond Tutu
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it
Bob Hope
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings
Ed Gardner
If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice
Rush
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it
Thomas Jefferson 1791
The shortest distance between two points is under construction
Noelie Altito
Things are only impossible until theyre not
JeanLuc Picard Star Trek The Next Generation
Everyone has it within his power to say This I am today that I will be tomorrow
Louis LAmour
Dr Zens Theory of the Good Crazies and the Bad Crazies The good crazies act crazy and therefore never go insane The bad crazies try not to act crazy and therefore drive themselves insane trying not to act crazy
Dan Hahn
The horror The horror
Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind
Mahatma Gandhi
I am not sure how WW III will end but I know for a fact that WW IV will be fought with sticks and stones
Albert Einstein
Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied
Otto Von Bismark
Believe those who are seeking the truth doubt those who find it
Andre Gide
There is no blinking at the fact that our people our territory and our interests are in grave danger With confidence in our armed forceswith the unbounding determination of our peoplewe will gain the inevitable triumph so help us God
Franklin D Roosevelt December 8 1941
If children ran the goverment we would be going to amusement parks and not war
Wavey Gravey
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality
Salvador Dali
All things dull and ugly all creatures short and squat all things rude and nasty the lord god made the lot
Monty Python
The answer to lifes problems arent at the bottom of a beer bottle theyre on TV
Homer Simpson
The time to relax is when you dont have time for it
Sidney J Harris
The Beatles saved the world from boredom
George Harrison 1943 2001
The good thing about them is that you can look at them with the sound turned down You know what irritates me about modern music its all based on ego Look at a group like U2 Bono and his band are so egocentric the more you jump around the bigger your hat is the more people listen to your music The only important thing is to sell and make money Its nothing to do with talent Today there are groups who sell lots of records and then disappear Will we remember U2 in 30 years Or the Spice Girls I doubt it
George Harrison on modern music U2 and The Spice Girls
There are some people that if they dont know you cant tell them
Louis Armstrong
You are only young once and if you work it right once is enough
Joe E Lewis
Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life Dont let them scare you unduly for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity
R I Fitzhenry
How come fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing
Ziggy
The human body is a peculiar device pat it on the back and the head swells
Source Unknown
Human beings are so made that the ones who do the crushing feel nothing it is the person crushed who feels what is happening Unless one has placed oneself on the side of the oppressed to feel with them one cannot understand
Simone Weil
One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you You do not change peoples minds
Frank Zappa
The medias the most powerful entity on earth They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent and thats power Because they control the minds of the masses
Malcom X
People say Im extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty But tell me who wants to be surrounded by garbage
Imelda Marcos onetime Philippine first lady and owner of 3000 pairs of shoes
The difference between involvement and commitment is like an eggsandham breakfast The chicken was involved the pig was committed
unknown
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it than to be sane and have ones doubts
G B Burgin
Love is a fire But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house you can never tell
Anonymous
Everything is okay in the end If its not okay then its not the end
Ozzy Osbourne
Every weekend is a great weekend
Min Whyman
I am giving you the right answers Youre just asking the wrong questions
Dennis the Menance
I am a marvelous housekeeper Every time I leave a man I keep his house
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Weve begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet so we bought a dog Well its cheaper and you get more feet
Rita Rudner
Although I can accept talking scarecrows lions and great wizards in emerald cities I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch
Dave James
College is spending 100 for a book and 3000 to prove you read it
Unknown
I hate flowers I only paint them because theyre cheaper than models and they dont move
Georgia OKeefe
You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going
Unknown
When your wife says What do you think she is not asking for YOUR opinion She is asking for HER opinion from your mouth
Unknown
Every book has a happy ending as long as its not necessary to read the rest of the story
unknown
The reason we start a war is to fight a war win a war thereby causing no more war
George W Bush The first Presidential debate
True we love life not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving There is always some madness in love but there is also always some reason in madness
Friedrich Nietzsche
Wellbehaved women rarely make history
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
The two prime movers in the Universe are Time and Luck
Kurt Vonnegut Jr
Technically Windows is an operating system which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly with no warning whatsoever stop operating
Dave Barry
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex there is an important lesson to be learned Do not have sex with the authorities
From Basic Sex Facts For Todays Youngfolk in Life In Hell by Matt Groening
I believe in compulsory cannibalism If people were forced to eat what they killed there would be no more wars
Abbie Hoffman
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent
Salvor Hardin
Cruel leaders are replaced only to have new leaders turn cruel
Ernesto Che Guevara
Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule and both commonly succeed and are right
HL Mencken
19 terrorists in 6 weeks have been able to command 300 million North Americans to do away with the entirety of their civil liberties that took 700 years to advance from the Magna Carta onward The terrorists have already won the political and ideological war with one terrorist act It is mindboggling that we are that weak as a society
Rocco Galeti
Nobody Freaks like me
Dennis Hooper
Art begins with resistance at the point where resistance is overcome No human masterpiece has ever been created without great labor
Andre Gide
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot
Anon
Cruel leaders are replaced only to have new leaders turn cruel
Ernesto Che Guevara
If you want to imagine the future imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever
George Orwell 1984
When you finally understand the universe it will not only be stranger than you imagine it will be stranger than you can imagine
Arthur C Clarke
You can pretend to be serious you cant pretend to be witty
Sacha Guitry
For every feared thing there is an opposing hope that encourages us
Umberto Ecco
To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemys resistance without fighting
Sun Tzu
Its never too late to have a happy childhood
unknown
Never complain about growing old because so many never get the chance
Author Unknown
If its natural to kill how come men have to go into training to learn how
Joan Baez
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask Where have I gone wrong Then a voice says to me This is going to take more than one night
Charlie Brown
Christmas children is not a date It is a state of mind
Mary Ellen Chase
The illusion of freedom will continue as long as its profitable to continue the illusion At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain they will just take down the scenery they will pull back the curtains they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theatre
Frank Zappa
The what should be never did exist but people keep trying to live up to it There is no what should be there is only what is
Lenny Bruce
Marriage is not a wordITS A SENTENCE
Anon
If you shut up truth and bury it under the ground it will but grow and gather to itself such explosive power that the day it bursts through it will blow up everything in its way
Emily Zola
I always seem to come in on the end of things Dar sighed And the beginning Sams face lit with a rare dazzling smile Thats what comes after the end you know
Dar and Sam Escape Velocity
Life was a remarkably common commodity Anything sufficiently complicated seemed to get cut in for some in the same way that anything massive enough got a generous helping of gravity The universe had a definite tendency toward awareness This suggested a certain subtle cruelty woven into the very fabric of spacetime
Soul Music
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea
John Nuveen
Tell a person there are 400 billion stars in the sky and theyll believe you but tell them a bench is covered in wet paint and they has to touch it
Jeanne
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bushs budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit The White House quickly responded with Hey look over there its Saddam Hussein
Craig Kilborn
Perhaps the Internet as a very young child needs the interventions of a saint all the more
James P Moroney an expert on parayer and worship for the US Conference of Catholic Bishops on Italian Roman Catholics launching a search for a patron saint of the Internet
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordian
Donald Rumsfeld US Secretary of Defense
Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place
Billy Crystal
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful natural wholesome things that money can buy
Tom Clancy
You know that look women get when they want sex Me neither
Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge If you dont have a good partner youd better have a good hand
Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night
Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal particularly in women Chief among these is the MercedesBenz 500SL
Lynn Lavner
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation The other eight are unimportant
George Burns
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope
Camille Paglia
Women might be able to fake orgasms But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what shes reading
Steve Jobs founder Apple Computers
According to a new survey women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women They say that women are too judgemental where of course men are just grateful
Robert De Niro
Theres very little advice in mens magazines because men think I know what Im doing just show me somebody naked
Jerry Seinfeld
See the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time
Robin Williams
Do not wait for the last judgment It takes place every day
Albert Camus
We are truly indefatigable in providing for the needs of the body but we starve the soul
Ellen Wood
Nobody knows the age of the human race but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better
Anon
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained
Abraham Lincoln
I am neither an optimist nor pessimist but a possibilist
Max Lerner
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness
Aristotle
Does gods light guide us or blind us
unknown
And the Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three No more No less Three shalt be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shall be three Four shalt thou not count nor either count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in My sight shall snuff it
Monty Pythons Holy Grail
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar and use it up in two weeks
Anonymous On the wall of a restroom
Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
Madonna
The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware joyously drunkenly serenely divinely aware
Henry Miller
Never hold your farts in They travel up your spine into your brainand thats when you get shitty ideas
Unknown
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22 it would have changed the history of musicand of aviation
Tom Stoppard
Youth is a wonderful thing What a crime to waste it on children
George Bernard Shaw
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask Where have I gone wrong Then a voice says to me This is going to take more than one night
Charlie Brown
You can complain because roses have thorns or you can rejoice because thorns have roses
Tom Wilson
Given a choice between two theories take the one which is funnier
Blores Razor
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez Small sweet and coming out of a funny plastic head
Dennis Miller
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous
Ingrid Bergman
The truth is always a compound of two halftruths and you never reach it because there is always something more to say
Tom Stoppard
I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman
Arnold Schwarzenegger made to a radio interviewer
I seek the truth and I tell the truth
Baba
The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous the sensible man hardly anything
Goethe
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them
E V Lucas
We dont stop playing because we grow old we grow old because we stop playing
George Bernard Shaw
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories those that dont work those that break down and those that get lost
Russel Baker
Never say OOPS always say Ah Interesting
Anon
We are an impossibility in an impossible universe
Ray Bradbury
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation
Saki
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable
Sidney Harris
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer a RollsRoyce would today cost 100 get a million miles per gallon and explode once a year killing everyone inside
Robert X Cringely InfoWorld magazine
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it
Aristotle
Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is
PJ Rourke
Everybody believes in something and everybody by virtue of the fact that they believe in something use that something to support their own existence
Frank Zappa
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame I craved factual certainty and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life so I became a scientist This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls
M Cartmill
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision
Blake Clark
Correct me if Im wrong but hasnt the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer
George Price
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings
Ed Gardner
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible
George Burns
To achieve the impossible dream try going to sleep
Joan Klempner
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon but that we wait so long to begin it
Anonymous
Its time for the human race to enter the solar system
Dan Quayle
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious
Brendan Gill
If you havent found something strange during the day it hasnt been much of a day
John A Wheeler
People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children
Calvin and Hobbes
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake
Napoleon Bonaparte
Only enemies speak the truth Friends and lovers lie endlessly caught in the web of duty
Stephen King
I wonder how many times a flood of lies have been used to discredit one truth
Duane Alan Hahn
If you dont know where you are going you will probably end up somewhere else
Laurence J Peter
Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper
Jerry Seinfeld
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse I suspect people of plotting to make me happy
J D Salinger
You can tell a lot about a fellows character by his way of eating jellybeans
Ronald Reagan
You cannot acquire experience by making experiments You cannot create experience You must undergo it
Albert Camus
I wont come out you must come in to me Into my wombgarden where I peer out Where I can construct a universe within the skull to rival the real
Jim Morrison
The future according to some scientists will be exactly like the past only far more expensive
John Sladek
The meek shall inherit the Earth but not its mineral rights
J Paul Getty
Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem
W Somerset Maugham
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics
Fletcher Knebel
The best way to predict the future is to invent it
Alan Kay
It is not just a writers crisis but they are the most obvious victims because the function of art is supposedly to bring order out of chaos a tall order even when the chaos is static and a superhuman task when chaos is multiplyingSo finally and for what he must have thought the best of reasons he ended it with a shotgun
Hunter Thompson reflecting on Hemignways death after visiting his grave in Ketchum Idaho in 1964
Because things are the way they are things will not stay the way they are
Bertolt Brecht
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth
Umberto Eco
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but some abuse the privilege
Unknown
If computers get too powerful we can organize them into a committee that will do them in
Bradleys Bromide
The more original a discovery the more obvious it seems afterwards
Arthur Koestler
On a personal level Freaking Out is a process whereby an individual casts off outmoded and restricting standars of thinking dress and social etiquette in order to express creatively his relationship to his immediate environment and the social structure as a whole
Frank Zappa
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work ask him Whose
Don Marquis 1878 1937
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable There is another theory which states that this has already happened
Douglas Adams
Confusion is always the most honest response
Marty Indik
Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know
Cullen Hightower
Thats the secret to lifereplace one worry with another
Charles M Schulz
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality
Jules de Gaultier
The thing that makes life possible is permanent intolerable uncertainty not knowing what comes next
Ursula LeGuin
The Republicans stand for raw unbridled evil and greed and ignorance smothered in balloons and ribbons
Frank Zappa
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didnt drink this wine they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered Then I say to myself It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver
Jack Handy
Wexelblats Scheduling Algorithm Choose two Good Fast Cheap
Wexelblat
My life is just a series of events between poops
Unknown
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it
Ellen Goodman
Friends dont let friends take home ugly men
Womens restroom Starboard Dewey Beach DE
Remember its not How high are you its Hi how are you
Rest stop off Route 81 West Virginia
No matter how good she looks some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap
Mens Room Lindas Bar and Grill Chapel Hill North Carolina
Make love not war Hell do both get married
Womens restroom The Filling Station Bozeman Montana
Womans Rule of Thumb If it has tires or testicles youre going to have trouble with it
Womens restroom Dicks Last Resort Dallas Texas
Express Lane Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevics Beverly Hills CA
No wonder you always go home alone
Sign over mirror in Mens restroom Ed Debevics Beverly Hills CA
The best way to a mans heart is to saw his breast plate open
Womens restroom Murphys Champaign IL
Beauty is only a light switch away
Perkins Library Duke University Durham North Carolina
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life then lets all get wasted together and have the time of our lives
Armands Pizza Washington DC
God made pot Man made beer Who do you trust
The Irish Times Washington DC
Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere
Written in the dust on the back of a bus Flagstaff Arizona
If voting could really change things it would be illegal
Revolution Books New York New York
Dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die
Mens restroom Murphys Champaign IL
What are you looking up on the wall for The joke is in your hands
Mens restroom Lexington KY
Please dont throw your cigarette butts in the urinal It makes them soggy and hard to light
The Janitor
Target is like a WalMart just for more upscale hillbillies
Chris McVetta The Id and I
Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself Lillian you should have remained a virgin
Lillian Carter mother of 39th president Jimmy Carter
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog No good in a bed but fine against a wall
Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea Visit people only once a year
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books You may die of a misprint
Mark Twain
What would men be without women Scarce sirmighty scarce
Mark Twain
By all means marry If you get a good wife youll become happy if you get a bad one youll become a philosopher
Socrates
I was married by a judge I should have asked for a jury
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech Every now and then she stops to breathe
Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which if treated with firmness and kindness can be trained to do most things
Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups alcohol caffeine sugar and fat
Alex Levine
Dont go around saying the world owes you a living The world owes you nothing It was here first
Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying
Ed Furgol
Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
Spike Milligan
Whats the use of happiness It cant buy you money
Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires but it would be dangerous to offer me the position
Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen I thought my name was shut up
Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life
Herbert Henry Asquith
I dont feel old I dont feel anything until noon Then its time for my nap
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
WC Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress
Will Rogers
Dont worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older it will avoid you
Winston Churchill
Maybe its true that life begins at fifty but everything else starts to wear out fall out or spread out
Phyllis Diller
The cardiologists diet If it tastes good spit it out
Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step hes too old to go anywhere
Billy Crystal
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments
William E Borah
Bad habits are like a comfortable bed easy to get into but hard to get out of
Anonymous